How to Show Up as a Friend + Support a Postpartum Mama

There are certain things you just can’t fully understand until you’ve been through them, and the postpartum period is one of them. The ~unique~ combo of lack of sleep and hormone shifts amidst healing and learning and doing creates a world of it’s own that no other experience comes close to replicating.

Studies show that new moms have better stress management and see their babies in a more positive light when they receive support from family and friends, and I personally found that fellow women – moms, friends, sisters, coworkers, gym buddies, etc. – were the perfect people to provide that assistance.

Now that I’ve been through it myself and lived the highs and lows that a new babe and changing body bring, I can look back and not only see where I needed the most help, but also admit I wasn’t the best supporter to my friends when they were postpartum. In fact, I baaaaasically did the opposite of every recommendation I’m sharing below (892147502395 apologies if you’re one of those gals…I owe you a foot rub and margarita stat).

That being said, I’d like to offer a guidebook, per say, to those in the position of caring for the postpartum friend. PS- It’s way easier to get it right than you might think. And new mamas…there’s a little somethin’ somethin’ in here for you too.

Those first weeks and months after baby arrive are special in every form of the word, and I’m not too far removed to forget the celebrations and struggles this season of life brings. If we all ban together and take just a few intentional steps to ensure each woman in our lives has the best possible postpartum experience…sigh…what a positive and peaceful time it would be.

BE RESPECTFUL OF BOUNDARIES

Birthing a baby, no matter how you do it, is an intense and invasive, albeit incredible affair. Even with a home birth where I labored on a bouncy ball by my fireplace and birthed my daughter in a tub on my living room floor with candles lit and hypnosis affirmations playing in the background, it was an event that I needed time, space and (relative) quiet to recover from.

While everyone has different processing preferences, we ~must~ keep a new mama’s boundaries in mind when trying to help. You can 100000% still show up and respect the heck out of a family’s boundaries.

Take this opportunity to put you friend’s needs before your own. This time isn’t about hearing the birth story, getting to see the baby, giving advice, or catching up (unless the mama’s up for it). You can visit and keep your eyes on the clock to not overstay your welcome. You can drop food quietly on the doorstep with a little text saying “dinner is served”. You can pick up her grocery order, take out her trash, and clean her house all while she and baby nap.

When helping a postpartum friend, she and her boundaries are your top priority, and her needs come far before your wants. There will be time to hear the birth story, snuggle that baby, give ~solicited~ advice, and have alllllll the girl talk…but those first few weeks might not be that time and it’s vital you appreciate that.

DON’T ASK…OFFER

“How can I help?” is a text that comes with the best of intentions, but to a new mom who might be (1) overwhelmed or (2) struggling with things you might not be able to help with like breastfeeding or pain or mental/emotional health, responding to you with ways to help may seem like a bigger feat than just doing it herself. She’s likely in survival mode and the last thing she needs to do is manage others.

Rather than ask how to help, offer ways you’re willing and able to show up. I strongly recommend and highly appreciated multiple choice texts like “I can come and hold the baby while you nap or take the dog for a walk, which do you prefer?”. Bonus if you can throw in an “all of the above option” if it’s something you can truly and happily deliver.

By offering a service, the mom doesn’t have to come up with a task, nor is she stuck feeling like she’s inconveniencing you with a job you might not like. Plus, you might be suggesting things that aren’t even on her radar as she’s potentially worried about a million and one other things.

Making help easy goes a long way for a postpartum mama and can seriously mitigate multiple sources of stress at once. You’ll be offering things you have the bandwidth to complete and she and baby will benefit from your proactive thinking. It’s, as Michael Scott would say, a win-win-win.

GIFTS

I’m all for cute little onesies, swaddles, and teethers (I’ve got a whole list of my favorite baby items below), but I’ve learned as both the giver and receiver that gifts for the mom end up being appreciated, used, and remembered more often than not. Whether you choose to give these gifts at the baby shower or pamper her postpartum, thinking about the mama when the rest of the world is swooning over baby can go a long way.

There are four gifts I think every new mom would benefit from receiving, and if you’re in a place to give these or ban together with a group of friends to make it happen, I highly recommend the following over any “physical” gift.

Doula Support- There are multiple types of doulas including those who assist with the birth and/or those who step in postpartum. I had a doula who did both and it was ~thee~ best money we spent in preparation for our girl’s arrival. Doulas are primarily there for the mama and can help with everything including caring for baby, pain management, housework, watching other children, breastfeeding, and even emotional support (my doula was my first call when my hormones went wild on my third day postpartum and knew just what to say and do).

Pelvic Rehab Physical Therapy- No matter how a woman gives birth, she would likely benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy afterwards. Leakage, pelvic pain, pain with intercourse, scar pain, constipation, hemorrhoids…those issues are all common after baby but not normal, and no one should have to live with them. A gift card to see a pelvic rehab therapist and/or watching her baby while she goes is the perfect way to help make a new mom’s health a priority.

The Bladder Blueprint- If there isn’t a pelvic rehab therapist near your friend, or if she isn’t comfortable or can’t go for whatever reason, my online course The Bladder Blueprint, is a step-by-step, accessible and actionable roadmap to address common postpartum pelvic health issues from the comfort of home, and would make for a great gift that she can dive into at her own convenience.

Care Package- I read and did alllllll the things to prepare for baby, but in the rush of getting everything together, I completely forgot to purchase what I would need to care for myself postpartum. Thankfully I had a seasoned mama friend who hooked me up, and I appreciated it so much that this now my go-to gift for new moms.
- Reusable basket
- 100% organic cotton pads
- Peri bottle
- 100% organic cotton disposable underwear
- The BEST nipple cream (that doesn’t have to be wiped off for feeding) PS- use code MANDM10 for 10% off your entire Primally Pure purchase
- Skin and scar balm
- Water bottle with straw
- Electrolyte supplement

BE MINDFUL OF YOUR WORDS

I doubt any of us would shame someone we care about on purpose, but comments about a postpartum mom’s appearance, how she cares for her baby, or the baby’s temperament can be triggering, even if what you’re saying might seem positive or well intended. “You don’t even look like you had a baby”, “do you have a good baby?”, and “don’t blink” are a popular few that can inflict guilt or pressure and ultimately undermine what your friend has just achieved.

Instead, I recommend affirming a new mom in who she is, what she’s done, and what an amazing job she’s doing in her new role. Here are a few texts or kind words that really stuck with me in the postpartum period:

“You’re doing a great job, mama.”
“Your baby’s so blessed to have you.”
“You’re a freakin’ rock star.”
“Give yourself all the grace and time and space you need.”

What we say to new moms can make all the difference in how we show up and provide support. If all else fails and you don’t know what to say, remember that actions speak louder than words and the ideas above are a great way to demonstrate you care.

TO THE POSTPARTUM MAMA…

You just brought a human into the world and are entitled to making those first weeks and months look and feel however you want them to. Whether you prefer to be surrounded by a cheer squad or would rather be cuddled up at home with a select few, it’s your decision and you can be confident in your choices.

You’re allowed to set boundaries as long as the Great Wall of China. You’re allowed to say “yes please” or “no thank you” (or just plain “no”) at your discretion and without explanation. You’re allowed to think and do and say whatever’s best for you and your baby, and you get to decide what “best” means by the day, hour, or minute.

Now come in close…here’s what I wish someone would have told me—

Having it all together and doing it all yourself doesn’t get you a gold star, nor does it make you more worthy or valuable (for the record, you’re already those things). In fact, overdoing can lead to overwhelm, lack of rest may breed resentment, and trying can just create tiredness. So when someone gives you a gift or offers help…take it. Pleeeeease take it. You have so many people around you who love you and want to see you succeed.

Women supporting women is one of my favorite things to witness, and I don’t know if there’s any better time to do it than when a friend brings a new life into the world. I remember feeling and thinking and needing a million things at once, and it’s the women around me who were able to center me into my new role as a mama.

If you’ve ever been in the postpartum period, I’d love to hear what form(s) of support you received and appreciated most or what you could have used more of in that season. If you’ll be helping a postpartum friend soon, let me know in the comments below which of the above you’ll be doing to help her.

Raising babies takes a village, but our modern society is no longer set up to foster that type of upbringing. Now more than ever, we need to be there for our friends and fellow women in those first few weeks and month after baby is born, and the more thought we put into doing it right, the more we’re helping their postpartum period be a smashing success.

– Amanda

Disclaimer: The content provided here does not constitute medical advice, nor is it a substitute for personalized healthcare. If you have concerns about a medical condition, diagnosis, or treatment, you should consult with a licensed healthcare professional.

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