A Pelvic Floor PT’s Postpartum Story- Leakage, Prolapse, + Tearing

I had a baby girl by vaginal delivery a month ago. I gave birth without medical intervention in a tub at home. And as a physical therapist who spends her days educating women about pelvic floor health, I was excited to write all the blog posts and free guides like “how to prevent tearing” and “what I did to avoid postpartum pelvic floor issues”.

But I tore…bad. In fact, I had to be taken to the hospital afterwards to repair a tear that went from my vaginal opening into my anus.

And I have a prolapse of both my rectum and bladder.

And I leak urine when I laugh and sneeze.

Disappointment, shame, frustration, embarrassment- I’m feeling all of the above as I admit to you that my pelvic floor isn’t doing as well as I was hoping. I mean, I’m the expert and women spend time, money, and energy to hear my advice on these very topics, yet here I am living the “what you should avoid” blog post instead.

I’ve played the scenario over and over again in my head. I drank the tea, ate the dates, worked on relaxing my pelvic floor, practiced breathing for pelvic expansion, spent hours a day on birth hypnosis, and put myself in all the right labor positions. All so that I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Let me quickly clarify that those tools and techniques I did to prepare for birth were not for nothing. I was able to tolerate labor without medication. I dilated from four to ten centimeters in two hours. I pushed my baby out in 17 minutes “as if I’ve done it multiple times before” per my midwives and doula. While I would tell you today that I never want another baby coming out of my vagina, it’s not because of pregnancy or labor…it’s because of what I’m experiencing postpartum.

If I’m being honest, I was tempted not to share this part of my story for fear of losing credibility, influence, and “followers”, because who wants guidance from someone who’s dealing with the same issues they are? “If she couldn’t help herself, how can she help me?” is what I fully expected to hear in response (and what the mean girl in my head questioned). But then it hit me! I do want to learn from someone who’s in the trenches with me, who knows what I’m experiencing.

This whole time I’ve prided myself in being able to support others, but now the opportunity has come to heal myself and gain even further insight into what my audience is going through.

This is likely a blessing in disguise, both for myself and those I get to help.

So me…the pelvic floor PT? I’m still wearing pads because I leak when I sneeze. I get pelvic pressure when I walk too long, especially while carrying my daughter. My prolapse is limiting the speedy return to exercise that I was anticipating and the thought of sex has me beyond nervous.

But you want to know what else I’m doing? I scheduled the postpartum pelvic floor PT appointments. I’m following my own handouts. I’m communicating with my husband the steps I want to take to bring intimacy and intercourse back into our marriage. And I’m healing…slowly and steadily, which is just how it should be happening.

My biggest fear of pregnancy, labor, and delivery was tearing, and I’m living that nightmare along with the pain and dysfunction that comes with it. I wasn’t only afraid of what it would mean for my body, but also for what it would do to my reputation. In fact, the threat of the latter is what plagued me more. If you’re still with me, let me assure you of one thing. Everything you find in this platform from here on out is no longer “just” from education and a certified expertise. It’s now also from experience and I’m excited for the opportunity to share everything that I learn along the way.