Dear fellow mama who may have clicked her way to this post seeking a solution for mom guilt…the answer is ~not~ here. In fact, if you were to type “how to overcome mom guilt” into that trusty search bar on the world wide web, the Google gods would skip right past the words you’re currently reading. Because I’m struggling just as much as you are. Because I don’t have this figured out.
I’m convinced that mom guilt is a requirement in some form or fashion for all women who answer to the name “mama”. And while I’m nearly a year and a half into wearing said title like a badge of honor, complete with sticky floors, park play dates, nursing bras in my top drawer, and a hair bun that happens to get higher by the hour, I’m over here waiting for that feeling to fade (you know the one)…and it’s not.
Still here? Thanks for sticking around. Now allow me to get real—
Mom guilt is magic in the worst possible way. It allows sadness, second-guessing, even suffering and shame to somehow sneak into the simplest of seconds. It’s silent “shoulds” and sometimes not so soundless “sorrys” to our children and ourselves on repeat when explanations and excuses certainly aren’t required. Yet we feel it with our ~whole~ beings.
When I’m at work I should be home. When I’m home I should be more productive. When I’m being productive I should slow down and enjoy the moment. When I’m enjoying the moment I should take a picture. When I’m taking a picture I really shouldn’t have my phone out all the time… My friend, I don’t have to tell you that I could keep going, because you probably could too.
If balance is a badge and presence is a pin, consider me a girl scout slingin’ thin mints at your local grocer trying to achieve them both with a pledge to busyness and stack of “how to” books by my bedside. Even I, a woman who unashamedly subscribes to selfishness, self-awareness, and self-care still catch myself overthinking it all. From birthing to boyfriends, sleep training to schooling, time spent and feeling spent half the time – we blame ourselves for not doing enough, doing it wrong, or not doing at all.
Anyone else feel like she has to earn that “world’s best mom” coffee mug, then fill it, fight to drink it hot, and remember to clean it too!?
Between house work and working outside the home, projects, passions and the pressures of parenthood, we’re bated with fear of missing the firsts: first word, first wobbly waddle, first recital, first romance. Then they hook and sink us with the threat of lasts, sharing viral reels with warnings that “time is limited” “they’re only little once”, and “don’t blink”, all with background music that miraculously makes it worse.
And there’s a message that ultimately underlines it all. Have you caught it? The one we may never actually admit aloud but sure as shit feel – I am not enough. Less than, wanting, lacking, slacking…[that’s] mom guilt to a “T”. And yes, I (obviously) experience it too.
But here’s the thing (the thing I’ve been telling myself lately)–
What you ~do~ doesn’t dictate your worth. Your merit as a mom isn’t measured in patience or presence. You can work without worry, play without permission, and rest without risk because those lies of being “less than” are just that…stories we and the world tell ourselves as Instagram images invite insecurities, mom friends boast of awards and advancements, and our own homes cry “is this the best you can do!?” as we step on crayons, sweep up crumbs, and ignore soap scum around the bathroom sink.
So I’m setting society to silent, unapologetically hitting “unfollow”, and double triple-clicking that big red “DELETE” on any person, place, or thing that robs me of my peace as a person or parent.
I’m reminding myself that I’m more than a mom – I’m a wife, worker, creative, and friend, and it’s my prerogative to pursue those other passions and live to my full potential if I want my daughter to do the same.
I’m immersing myself in the moment – looking for the joy and soaking in the spirit of each circumstance. When I’m “mama” I’m hugging with my whole heart, belting “Itsy Bitsy Spider” (complete with hand motions, btw) like I’m on Broadway, and building block towers (sometimes) faster than Sloan can bulldoze them down. And when I’m “not”, I aim to exude just as much just energy and excitement for everything else because dang it!…life’s too short not to.
Rupi Kaur said, “I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her”. Oof. Maybe read that one more time??? Slowness is not a fault; this “version of me” is not a failure. I don’t know about you, but this has me itching to buckle up and start ~being~! Less guilt, more growth. Less hustle, more flow. Less race more grace.
Consider me a participant in the 12-step program for mom guilt recovery – no weekly meetings (because who has the time?!) and definitely no judgment (because we’re all in this boat), but I’m all for t-shirts if we can get enough members.
I still don’t have this figured out, and I probably never totally will. Mom guilt is magical, remember? Like…a bunny out of a hat?…seriously!? But now when that voice suddenly appears, the one that sounds like mine but speaks out of fear instead of faith, I stop. “I am enough” I remind myself, then keep doing, going, mom-ing, and being.
Motherhood is a role of instilling confidence and installing independence, and you’re doing a damn good job of it, friend. But don’t forget to listen to your lessons and heed your own advice. You are just as worthy and deserving as those babes you’re raising. So one more time for those in the back….YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
– Amanda
